Mr Moan is back on form with news of his new political party:
SENSATIONAL NEWS: Mr Moan, who is credited with being a great political thinker standing alongside Plato, Karl Marx, Edmund Burke and Jacob Rees-Mogg MP, has announced the formation of a new political group which will transform the British social and economic landscape:
BUNK: the British United National Kingdom Party
In an exclusive interview at a café in Bermondsey, Mr Moan revealed the creation of his new political party to Mr and Mrs 50 Plus.
A New Political Party
“Bunk” he explained “is another name for chicory” which, he feels, captures the essence of his new venture. “It is ecologically pure, and its extract, inulin, is a sweetener and dietary fibre.” He waved his union jack in the air. “When Bunk is in power, Britain will be greener, happier and healthier.”
Mr Moan himself exudes joyous calm which, after clever questioning by Mr and Mrs, is due to his well-founded belief that Ukranian beauty Nadiya Bychkova will be accepting his proposal of marriage. “Kai Widdrington is dust,” he says. He has not actually met the former Playboy model but he has sent her flowers obtained from the local cemetery and a cuddly toy for her daughter Mila, which he lifted from his last visit to a soft play centre.
Mr Moan expects that his party will swamp the local elections in May 2022 and take over power in the 2 May 2024 General Election. He accepts he may need a coalition with the Scottish National Party but says that talks with his close friend Nicky ‘flexible’ Sturgeon, helped by the promise of a second referendum on independence, are positive. Mr Moan asks that nobody tells Her Majesty about that as it might jeopardise his peerage.
He is angry and caustic about our present political leaders. He argues that the Prime Minister, Mrs Carrie Johnson, is focused purely on self-interest. BUNK, he states, as a new political party, will offer a fresh and original agenda for the voter.
Meanwhile, editor Kathryn removed jam from her jacket lapel. This was a consequence of Mr Moan re-enacting Anne Boleyn’s beheading as he opened his doughnut with a single slice. There came a moment of great political drama, dwarfing Neville Chamberlain’s Munich letter and Dominic Cummings’ ‘Get Brexit Done’.
‘BUNK’, announced Mr Moan, “will abolish nearly all taxes!”.
Of course, Mr 50 Plus immediately pressed digits on his calculator to work out his increased wealth.
Mr Moan smiled, producing the facial expression that was destined to melt the heart of Nadiya Bychkova.
The Poor Pay Most Tax
“All taxes are inhuman,” exploded our political colossus. “The poor pay the most because the rich have the system in their vice-like hold. Millionaire accountants and lawyers ensure billionaires pay nothing.” Do drug dealers pay taxes? But I, Mr Moan, have the answer which will capture the imagination of the voter and sweep BUNK into power. Then, as he wiped the surplus cream from his mouth he revealed BUNK’s manifesto.
- Abolish Income Tax.
- Cut Her Majesty’s Revenue and Customs in half and instruct them to write polite letters in future.
(Mr and Mrs then decided that there will be street parties to celebrate this news)
Finally, the moment arrived when Mr Moan explained the BUNK Bonanza. These were destined to become the most spoken words in political history.
Wealthy Must Pay More Tax
“The BUNK Bonanza” he explained “will introduce a social contribution. This will be payable by the top 1% of the wealthiest households in the UK. My advisers calculate it will raise £150 billion every year. The Bunk Bonanza will be calculated on total wealth. Nobody with under £3m in assets pays anything. Between £3m and £5m, the rate is 1% up to £15m+ where the rate is 10%.
“But Mr Moan,” pleaded Mr and Mrs 50 Plus. “The wealthy will simply go and live in Monaco and they won’t pay it anyway.”
“You are so wrong,” smiled our thinking genius. “There will be a fleet of “Bonanza Collection Vans,” emblazoned with the union jack which will be stationed outside non-payers homes. They’ll pay!”. As for leaving the country, he explained that anyone doing so will be fined an exit penalty of 15% of their total wealth.
The House of Lords
Asked if he thought that he would be able to get the requisite legislation through the House of Lords? Mr Moan said that it was now the second largest political grouping in the world after the National People’s Congress of China. “If Baroness Bra (aka Lady Mone) represents democracy in action, my proposal to abolish the House of Lords will be another vote winner.” He paused. “That will come in our second term because I want to get my peerage first. I need the expenses and pension.”
Finally, Mr Moan stood up and asked if we could lend him the bus fare to Clapham Common. “Vote BUNK,” he said “and pay no taxes.”
Now there’s a thought.