The Norwegian Nobel Committee has decided to award the Nobel Peace Prize for 2022 to Mr Moan, Founder of the British United National Kingdom Party for his bravery and single-mindedness in bringing peace to the Ukraine following the sudden withdrawal of Russian forces.
“Oro,” yelled the former Russian Olympic shot-put champion, Eva Brick, as she picked up Mr Moan and impaled him on the horn of the stuffed head of the Eurasian Brown Bear hanging on the Ralph Lauren decorated wall within their Mayfair penthouse suite.
“Eva,” cried out the political giant, “put me down.” He gasped as she lowered him to the floor. “Let me explain, please!” He staggered to his feet and poured them both large measures of Beluga vodka. The oatmeal, citrus zest galvanised him.
“It was YOU who made the whole process succeed. You are the greatest Russian who ever lived,” he gasped.
Eva melted and grabbed at her soulmate. “Mr Moanie, I adore you. Let’s relive how we did it.”
They sat together on the Camerick Lazytime Plus Corner Sofa and reflected on the brilliant of Mr Moan’s strategy of calling in a favour from a Peer, a political donating oligarch who used his former wife’s connections to arrange a private flight direct into Moscow.
“Ah!” said Mr Moan, “they cannot sanction ex-wives.”
Meeting With Vlad
It took Eva two days to arrange a meeting with Vladimir Putin, the President of Russia. Eventually they were shown into the state room and found themselves five metres away from the Russian supremo who was watching them from the other end of the gargantuan oval table.
Eva stood up, took off her skirt and, in a series of gymnastic moves, arrived face to face with their host. She then inflicted a Mawashi Geri, catching Vladi with a roundhouse kick. He roared his approval and, using Kyokushim Kata techniques, quickly subdued Eva. Although she was later to tell Mr Moan that she let him win.
Tea was served and they began to talk. Mr Moan let Eva take the lead but, having been told they had four minutes remaining, revealed that he brought urgent news that might impact on the President’s refusal to recall his troops from the Ukraine.
Mr Moan delivered his bazooka. He revealed that the British were about to relieve their ambassador in Moscow. They were to send in a replacement whom he identified as the former Minister for Digital, Culture, Media and Sport, Baddine Horrors.
The Russian leader paled and started to shake with fear. However, he still refused to give the order to his generals to start the retreat. This left Mr Moan to play his ace. Eva translated for him.
Replace the Head of Catering in the British Embassy
“Mr President, I must tell you that 10 Downing Street are also replacing the head of catering in the British Embassy”. He showed Mr Putin a picture of the incoming chef. This was the straw that broke the camel’s back. Putin collapsed to the floor consumed with trepidation. Within hours, Ukraine started to believe that all their wishes were coming true.
A few days later Mr Moan and Eva were sharing some personal moments but he would not tell her whose photograph he had shown the Russian president. At last, they went to bed and Eva waited for the snoring to start. She crept over to his jacket and went through the pockets until she found what she was looking for. She stared at the crumpled press release.
Wearing the latest Max Mara Teddy Bomber jacket, and with a look of superiority on her face, there was the new Head of Catering in the British Embassy in Moscow. Miz Rust certainly looked the part.
Eva Brick smiled in a knowing sort of way.