“Oh Eva, my inspiration,” groaned Mr Moan as he watched the newly appointed deputy chair of the British United National Kingdom Party toss a RGD-5 anti-personnel fragmentation grenade from one hand to the other.
“Mr Monie,” she cried, “do you know what we call this?” she asked holding her weapon in the air.
“Dangerous?” suggested Britain’s future Prime Minister.
“No, Mr Monie, you’re so silly,” she smiled as she picked him up. “It’s nick-named the Limonka, which translates into Lemon and I’m going to squeeze you.”
Rib Crushing Affection
As he recovered from her rib-crushing affection Mr Moan asked Eva to repeat her solution to rewarding Members of the House of Lords who were in the pay of the Russian Government, KGB and numerous energy companies.
“Mr Monie,” she explained, “The Lords play games with the British public when it comes to political integrity. When they introduced new transparency laws requiring peers on foreign payrolls to declare how much they are paid, it was seen as an attempt to reduce sleaze. But clever them, they left a loophole and I, Ms Eva Brick, have worked it out. All BUNK’s oligarch supporters will continue to back us as we feed them into the Upper Chamber.”
Political Integrity In The House of Lords
“Are you sure, Eva. You’re brilliant but top lawyers ensure the House of Lords cannot be questioned?”
“It’s already happened Mr Monie,” she explained. “A Labour peer has taken a ‘leave of absence’ from the House of Lords meaning he will not have to declare how much he is paid by foreign clients, which, in his case, includes the Russian Government.”
Mr Moan began re-hanging the portrait of President Putin to which Eva bowed every morning.
“But” he continued, “the peer loses all his perks?”
As Eva completed one hundred clap press-ups (designed by Russian athletic coaches on the basis that clapping hands recruits more fast-twitch muscle fibres improving size and strength) she explained that taking open-ended breaks still allows peers to keep their titles, use Lords facilities and even the stationery. They cannot vote or speak.
“But Mr Monie,” exclaimed Eva, “none of our supporters will vote or speak. They want the title to ensure London bankers continue to launder their funds.”
“There will be no holding back the BUNK party,” cried Mr Moan.
“Mr Monie, there will be no slowing in BUNK’s progress to power. We will have all the money we need.”
Mr Moan gazed at Eva before settling down at his desk to write an article on political integrity.