This week Tony’s Monday Moan has left Mr and Mrs 50 Plus pretty bemused. There’s a bit of Brexit, some less-than-forthright MPs and a parody of Question Time in ‘the melting pot’. Let’s see what you make of it …
“Good evening. Welcome to BBC Question Time. My name is Deirdre Campbell and I am gorgeous. I am paid so much money by the BBC I don’t know how much it is.
“Tonight, we are in Lincolnshire trying to suggest that the elitist Board of the BBC care about ordinary people and can I please remind you that your tax payments had to be made by 31 January. That, of course, does not apply to me.
“On the panel tonight are Miss Piggy, leader of the Muppets Party, Sir Hugh Eton Oxbridge, the Conservative MP for Harrods, Lizzie Barndoor, the political editor of ‘The Big Issue’, Mick Crunch, General Secretary of the Rough Sleepers Union and Labour’s Shadow Brexit Secretary, Sir Ivor Derailing-Motion.
“Can I remind you at home that you can follow the programme on twitter, on Facebook and on Instagram and signed photographs of me with the Director-General of the BBC are available upon request.
“Oh, I’m so excited. The first question is from Bill Spudulike, who is a potato picker. Mr Spudulike, your question please.
“Is the Tory Party handling the Brexit negotiations well?”
“Oh! Knickers off. What a fantastic question. Bill, how’s the potato picking going?”
“The fucking ground is frozen.”
“OMG, what a wonderful answer. Panel, Bill’s question is, ‘Are the Conservatives handling the Brexit negotiations brilliantly?” Sir Hugh Eton Oxbridge.”
“What a fabulously precise and consolidated answer. Now, I want to bring in members of the audience. So many of you have your hands up. You! The woman with the botox and lip-fillers.
What Is A Backstop?
“Can someone please tell me what is a backstop agreement?”
“Er, Sir Hugh?
“No, I’ve spoken at length already. You should let other panellists answer.”
“Yes, of course, Sir Hugh. Miss Piggy.
“Hommes. Moi, je ne suis pas heureux. Je suis seul.”
“What has that to do with a backstop agreement?”
“I’m taking about Kermit, fool.”
“We the people are being betrayed by…”
“Thank you, Lizzie. Mick Crunch.”
Soup Kitchens and Food Banks
“Great question which I will answer. Brothers and sisters, close the borders. There are pressures under Paddington arches as the immigrants pour in. My members are now having to wait up to thirty minutes in the soup kitchens.”
“Interesting answer, Mick. Now, more questions from our audience. You! The man with the wig.”
“Deirdre. Can I ask Mick a question? Why don’t your members get proper work instead of relying on charity and state handouts. I fought in Iran. I’ve earned everything I have.”
(applause from the audience)
(Mick Crunch) “Come outside you cretin and I’ll punch your lights out.”
“Sir Ivor Derailing-Motion. The question was…”
“Yes, thank you. I know what the question is about and let me make this very clear. Myself and Jeremy have always been together with our policy on Brexit. We oppose a People’s vote unless the people vote for one. Obviously, we will continue to vote against the Deal unless we think there’s a chance of forcing a general election in which case, we’ll vote for it. And, unless the Unions tell us otherwise, we want a Customs Union. There can be no hard border in Ireland but we’ve no idea what to do about it. As I say, we are unequivocal in our views. Excuse me while I check my text to see whether Jeremy is pleased with me.”
“Thank you panel for illuminating our evening on this difficult question. Let’s have something rather different. Miss Avril Brown. Your question please.
“Are Miss Piggy and Kermit married?”
“My postbag is full of readers wanting to know”
The Carlton Club
“Thank you, Lizzie. Next week’s programme is coming from Central London because I have a well-paid personal appearance in Oxford Street the following morning. Sir Hugh Eton Oxbridge. Are Miss Piggy and Kermit married?”
“Marriage is the greatest institution in our society. I have loved all my three wives and although most of my children don’t speak to me, I feel all the decisions I have made have been correct. I was in the Carlton Club last week.”
“Yes, their wines are sumptuous, Sir Hugh. I enjoyed our lunch. Mick Crunch.”
“How can my members afford to get married when they are working five hours a day in the tube stations begging for the eighty pounds they need to exist?”
“I don’t want all the attention on me and I want Sir Hugh to know that I always enjoy lunches at the Carlton Club although I prefer Boodles.”
“Miss Piggy. The question was”
“Don’t talk to me about that frog! He is the Jean-Claude Juncker of plain speaking.”
“Thank you panel for your fabulously wonderful answers, thank you audience for your rapt attention and penetrating questions, thank you to you at home if you are still there and thank you to my hair stylist for making me look memorable.
“Goodnight from us all at Question Time.”