So what do Mr Moan and his side-kick Eva make of the 38 Bills laid out in yesterday’s Queen’s Speech?
In all their time together, Mr Moan had never seen his partner in such a towering rage. He made the mistake of gazing at her Hayashi Heian martial arts outfit and was not prepared for the Ippon Seoi Nage body throw which propelled him across the lounge of their Mayfair Suite. He pleaded for calm to return to their domestic bliss.
Eva Brick, the former Russian Olympic shot put champion, stared at the founder of the British United National Kingdom Party (BUNK), went over and gently placed him on their luxury sofa paid for by a Russian oligarch.
“Thirty eight, Mr Moanie, I ask you,” she exploded as she handed him a plate of ricotta and roasted garlic muffins and a glass of Gyokuro Japanese tea.
Mr Moan searched his memory. What was the significance of this number? But Eva was on fire.
“I watched the proceedings from Westminster as Mummy’s boy read out the Queen’s Speech.”
She paused and Mr Moan tensed but Eva was moving into a more thoughtful mood. “Then there was Horace in the House of Commons, smirking and boring everyone to death with the details of 38 new bills to go through Parliament.” Mr Moan went to contribute to their conversation but Eva’s stare persuaded him otherwise. “There was no mention of the cost of living, energy charge surges, lack of food. The people of our country are suffering and does Horace care, Mr Moan?” He again tried to say something but Eva was still charging. “Did you read that in Somerset there is absolutely no dental care for anyone: not one dentist?”
“It was Horace at his brilliant best, Eva,” said Mr Moan as he prepared for the next karate attack. Eva, however, changed tack, put her arms around her partner, wiped away the muffin crumbs from his lips, kissed him and asked that he explain everything to her.
The 38 Bills Bluff
“The 38 bills is a total bluff, Eva,” stated Mr Moan. “ Parliament has just had a long Easter break. In June it is the Queen’s Platinum Jubilee celebrations when the whole country will come to a complete halt for a week.
Then MPs start preparing for their summer holidays in their Mediterranean villas: many go long before the official end of the session. They come back in September and move straight into the Party Conference season which means it will be October before anything happens. With many civil servants working from home, the whole system is impotent.” He stood up and stretched his muscles. “All Bills have to go through the House of Lords. The minority of the eight hundred and fifty peers who actually bother to pay any attention will delay and amend the legislation. 38 bills is a farce, Eva.”
“But why bother, Mr Moan?” asked Eva.
Horace The War Lord
“Horace is clever, Eva,” he replied. “Take the proposed changes to the planning laws. This is purely to placate some Tory MPs, many of whom are substantial property owners. They don’t like it when changes are made within the current rules that can devalue their own assets. “ He paused and finished his glass of tea. “But, Eva, the real reason for yesterday’s charade is that Horace knows he is running into problems.
His stance as a war lord will implode because all the odds lie with President Putin who will simply sit out the Ukraine conflict until he gets his way. He is being supported by China, North Korea, Iran and many others.”
Mr Moan went over to the window and gazed over Hyde Park: the sun was shining. He turned back to Eva.
Northern Ireland Troubles
“The Northern Island situation is going to implode and he’ll have to sack the Foreign Secretary, Miss Rust.
Scotland will demand another independence referendum so he’ll ditch the Scottish minister.” He suddenly went over to Eva and lifted her up in the air. “Can you name the Westminster Minister for Scotland?” he asked. He lowered her down. “The Right Hon Alister Jack MP,” he crowed. “He’ll be ditched. Then the recession will hit and Horace will blame Rishi for everything and he’ll be off to spend his wife’s billions.”
Eva pulled away and straightened her outfit.
“So Mr Moanie, the 38 bills is…”
Mr Moan hugged his political student.
Horace The Billionaire
“Horace at his brilliant best, Eva.” He smiled. “He’s preparing to sail off into the political sunset after the General Election in May 2024 and become a multi-millionaire, as the oligarchs he is protecting repay their debts. He is perhaps the most unscrupulous Prime Minister we have ever had.”
“Mr Moan,” responded Eva. “When you are becoming the greatest Prime Minister of all time and you have political challenges, what will you do?”
Mr Moan smiled, grabbed at his partner and gave her a winning hug.
“I shall announce 38 new Bills in the Queen’s speech,” he laughed.