On the whole subject of divorce…
“Mr Moan, I am so happy!”
Eva Brick, the former Russian Olympic shot put champion, picked up her partner, the founder of the British United National Kingdom Party (BUNK), and propelled him across the lounge of their Mayfair penthouse with a karate Kani Basami throw. As she straightened her Lazutom long-sleeved martial arts outfit, Eva stopped to admire her execution of the Scissor Stroke used to subdue adversaries. She picked up her mentor up and hugged him.
As he collapsed onto the Belvedere 3.5 seater sofa, financed by an East European oligarch who saw it as a downpayment on his future peerage, Mr Moan gasped and asked why his partner was ecstatic?
“Mr Moanie,” she cried. “They have finally brought in the Divorce, Dissolution and Separation Act, 2020.”
“The what?” exclaimed Britain’s future Prime Minister following the May 2024 General Election, Rishi’s disastrous treatment of people trying to pay for food, heating, fuel and mortgages and with Horace concentrating on his personal wealth and legacy.
The Blame Game is Over
“Mr Moan,” cried Eva as she completed a back somersault, “the ‘blame game’ is over. For divorce, couples will no longer have to make allegations about the other’s conduct.”
“But Eva,” stuttered Britain’s future leader.
“Be quiet when I am talking,” instructed his partner. “Under this Act couples can proceed on a divorce together by starting a ’20-week reflection period’, then they apply for a ‘conditional order’ and six weeks later they seek a final order which replaces the decree absolute.” Eva stood on one arm and held her poise for a minute. “Put another way Mr Moanie, it’s modern divorce in a few weeks.”
“But Eva, why are you telling me this? I cannot seek any of these orders. My three ex-wives and nine children…”
“Mr Moanie,” exploded the ex-Russian athlete, “Eva has everything under control. You are now up-to-date with your maintenance payments…”
“The remittance is in from Belarus?” asked Mr Moan.
“Yes, Mr Moan,” answered Eva as she completed one hundred one arm press-ups.”
“But what about the Foreign Secretary’s sanctions?” sighed Mr Moan.
“Mr Moan,” said Eva. “Miss Rust is irrelevant. London bankers do as Eva tells them.”
“But Eva,” said Mr Moan, “why are you telling me about this new act concerning easier divorce?”
Only The Headline Cases Will Be Reported
“Because Mr Moan,” replied his partner, “when you are Prime Minister you will be faced with a continuous stream of MPs having affairs. There are 225 women in the House of Commons and a number of predatory males. They are paid huge salaries and expenses and many have tax-payers’ funded London flats. What do you think is going to happen?” She sat down. “The media don’t bother and, in fact, some of them join in! It’s only the headline cases that will be reported,” she laughed.
“You mean the Health Secretary,” frowned Mr Moan.
“Passionate Matt Hancock,” laughed Eva. “He decided having an affair with his research assistant, Gina Coladangelo, was more fun than fighting Covid-19. He has a London flat.” She paused. “Perhaps, Mr Moan, the most famous illicit liaison was Cecil Parkinson, Mrs Thatcher’s favourite politican. He had an affair with his secretary Sara Keays. He said he would leave his wife and marry her and then went back to his wife only to find his lover was pregnant. She spent the rest of her time seeking revenge.” Eva chuckled. “Edwina Currie described her as ‘a right cow’ but she was having an affair with John Major!”
Always On Time
“There was John Prescott,” shouted Mr Moan. “When he was Deputy Prime Minister under Tony Blair he had a two-year affair with his diary secretary Tracey Temple.”
“I assume she was always on time,” suggested Eva.
Mr Moan looked askance until Eva’s attempted humour hit home.
“This new act, Eva,” he said. “It will mean that MPs can have Parliamentary affairs and then sort out their marriages much more efficiently. The media needs never to be involved.”
“Yes, Mr Moan, and you can concentrate on being the greatest world leader of all time.” Eva paused, picked up her lover and pinned him to the wall.
“Mr Moanie,” she cried. “There are some relationships that will not need an Act of Parliament to keep them honest!”