Mr Moan loves to analyse things but today’s feature from him takes the biscuit. Implementing Six Sigma in a business is one thing. But in a relationship? Come on! Really?! Read on …
FOR MEN ONLY….
How To Be The Perfect Husband / Partner : The Six Sigma Secret
Wow, fellow Moaners, are you the lucky ones. I am going to reveal the previously unknown secret of how to be the most wonderful, respected, loved husband/partner. You must master SIX SIGMA.
Gosh, Mr Moan, how are you so knowledgeable?
Well, of course, I am, but I must pay tribute to a sports journalist who attributed Novak Djokovic’s remarkable Wimbledon Men’s Single championship win to his meeting the requirements of Six Sigma.
This is a disciplined, statistical-based, data-driven approach and continuous improvement methodology for eliminating defects in a product process or service. Sigma represents the population standard deviation, which is a measure of the variation in a data set collected about the process. Piece of cake, really.
It was introduced at Motorola in the 1980s and, in 1995, General Electric made it central to their business strategy. The idea, in a nutshell, is to eliminate error (which is why Novak won the tennis). Take car production. One wrong component and the whole vehicle won’t work. A company that achieves Six Sigma has a 90%+ possibility of achieving success.
The Six Sigma Husband / Partner
“I want a man who is kind and understanding. Is that too much to ask of a millionaire?”
Zsa Zsa Gabor
Mr Moan has interviewed over one hundred wives and partners and, from the data collected (plus two slapped faces, three letters from solicitors and various angry husbands) has arrived at the SIX SIGMA protocol designed for those men who want to achieve perfection in their relationship with their wife/partner. Please don’t panic if you immediately decide you cannot attain the heights required: below, we will discuss tolerances.
The Six Sigma Relationship Guide For Husbands / Partners
- Be very rich
- Be very loving in the matrimonial bed
- Change your socks every day
- Never comment on her idiosyncrasies
- Buy her flowers
- Lie with total conviction
Number One: Be very rich
It’s rather obvious: women love the best things in life and if you can provide them, you will have passed the SS Test. A variation is a safe job with a good pension. Inherited wealth is a cracking idea. Don’t lose money in speculative investments.
Number Two: Be very loving in the matrimonial bed
There is a basic difference between men and women. Men generally don’t talk about sex. It’s not deliberate: it’s in our DNA. The most we ever achieve is perhaps a nod and wink about a woman’s figure. Men will ogle shape and form. That’s about it.
As the ‘Daily Mail’ female pages attest, women think, talk, desire and relish sex most of the time. They spend hours talking about it. Who bought the millions of copies of ‘Fifty Shades of Grey’? Women.
Thus, a loving, physical, stamina-based approach to the matrimonial bed (even if your company is about to go into receivership) will tick the SS box in spades.
Change Your Socks Every Day!
Number Three: Change your socks every day
You can tick this SS box by being thoughtful. Smelly socks are not pleasant. David Beckham never wears the same pair of socks twice. Ensure your personal habits are to the highest standards. White skin puts women off. Get a tan. Make the effort: the rewards might be heavenly.
Number Four: Never comment on her idiosyncrasies
NEVER criticise. “I want a man to be honest” says the woman on her way to see her divorce lawyer. Yes, her adenoids are a bit of a problem but never tell her she snores. Cooking is a no-go area. Enjoy every meal. Sprouts are good for you even though they make you fart.
Got it? You wife/partner is never wrong.
Buy Her Flowers
Number Five: Buy her flowers.
Sorry snowflakes and all members of the modern women brigade.
Every woman adores being loved so show it: flowers, confectionary, weekends at the health spa., “I’ll look after the children today, Darling (despite the sport on the TV).
Got it? Show her your affection
Number Six; Lie with total conviction
We all lie, often to ourselves: “I’ll start the diet tomorrow”. The best relationships are where this fact is not disputed. “Do you think this dress makes my bum look big?” Answer: “Your bum is perfection.”
Do not hesitate. “Are you having an affair?” Answer: “Yes I am, with you. You are in my thoughts every second, of every minute, of every hour, of every day…” You get the idea. By the time you get to “of every year. Of every decade,” she’ll have forgotten the question.
So, there you are, Moaners. I might have changed your life.
Just make sure you pass the SIX SIGMA tests.
PS. And don’t forget her birthday, your wedding anniversary, Mother’s Day, Valentine’s Day, Christmas Day, New Year’s Day, her mother’s birthday. Got it? And send flowers!